Just Write – #8 It’s hard

Free writing. To just write whatever you’re thinking at any particular time. In 5th grade, I hated it, thought it was a total waste of time but now it’s some of my best writing. (I don’t always publish the “gut” posts as I call them.)

I found this writing prompt through Jennifer which lead me to Heather and I like it.

I’m not going to lie, I might not always have the comments turned on, but once a week, I’ll just write and then it’ll post on Tuesdays. Care to join us?

***

At the end of the summer we had to find alternate living arrangements for my grandmother because she could no longer live on her own. Long hard story short and more gentle? She was very confused, wandering and sick. It was heart breaking, nerve-wracking and hard.

(And that was for me, I can only imagine what it was like for Daddy-O and his siblings.)

It had to be done though, it wasn’t safe for her to be living on her own anymore and my aunt and uncle manage to find a nice place with an open bed to accommodate her. The people are nice, the facility is beautiful and they have all sorts of activities for her do to if she so chooses.

It’s not where I want her to be. I want her to be home, going to bridge when she wants, gardening, shopping, and living the life she used to…but that can’t be any more and it’s hard.

My dad and his siblings have been going through her home because it is sort of in a weird spot right now, it’s complicated but that’s not the hard part. The hard part is sorting through so many decades of stuff and memories. Granted, we’ve found some gems for sure and more or less the family is allowed to take what we’d like to have. (I have fabric and her old jewelry that I’ll do something with for me and the cousins. There’s so much more to go through still and that part’s hard.)

What makes it harder is that she gets confused and things we’ve tricked her. I don’t know, maybe partially, we have? She needs to be where she is because it’s safe for her, but it’s hard to reconcile.

I also feel a lot of guilt for not spending enough time with her these last few years, not being a better granddaughter and that is something I will have to reconcile with personally. And that is hard.

It’s just all so hard.

#justwrite

Just Write – #7 Perfection

Free writing. To just write whatever you’re thinking at any particular time. In 5th grade, I hated it, thought it was a total waste of time but now it’s some of my best writing. (I don’t always publish the “gut” posts as I call them.)

I found this writing prompt through Jennifer which lead me to Heather and I like it.

I’m not going to lie, I might not always have the comments turned on, but once a week, I’ll just write and then it’ll post on Tuesdays. Care to join us?

***

I’m not perfect and most of me accepts that I’m not. No one can be. That doesn’t mean I don’t try like hell to be…and that needs to really stop.

Part of the problem is that I want to do things to the best of my ability (Thanks Momma and Daddy-O!) and I know that I’m good at a bunch of things. I tend not to like things that I’m not really very good at, after all, who wants to be bad at something? You know what I’m not good at and I like anyway? The pole dancing class I take with Gia. I really it.

Why do I dig it if I’m not good at it?

I’m digging the pole dancing class I go to with Gia for a lot of reasons. It’s a great workout, good times with a good friend and fun too. Other than that, I think I dig it the most because I don’t have to be perfect there. Don’t get me wrong, I know in part of my head that I don’t have to be perfect in everything I do and that’s not even possible.

Even though I know that (I really do!) part of me rarely gives into “good enough”. I have to constantly remind myself that it doesn’t have to be perfect. It has to be “good”, or “good enough” or “great”, but not perfect.

(In my very own sometimes mixed up head everything can be done better, faster, with more attention paid to the details. Food can always be cooked better and tastier, the apartment can always be cleaner (although this gets pushed down the to-do list often) I can always perform better at work and there’s so much room for improvement in my swimming and running… You get the idea.)

I keep thinking that I can do everything better, I know I can, but at dance class? It gives me a set time and place not to be perfect. There, I don’t have to be perfect, hell, I don’t even have to do it well – I have to show up and try. That’s it.

Now to apply that to more areas of my life. The desire to do things perfectly is so fricken tiring.

#justwrite

Just Write – #6 I’m sorry Miss Jackson

Free writing. To just write whatever you’re thinking at any particular time. In 5th grade, I hated it, thought it was a total waste of time but now it’s some of my best writing. (I don’t always publish the “gut” posts as I call them.)

I found this writing prompt through Jennifer which lead me to Heather and I like it.

I’m not going to lie, I might not always have the comments turned on, but once a week, I’ll just write and then it’ll post on Tuesdays. Care to join us?

***

I’m sorry Miss Jackson,  I am for reeeeaaaal…

That first line never fails to bring me back. Back to long days and nights, good friends, no money and getting back on my feet. It brings back the smell of the store, the feeling of exhaustion from burning the candle at both ends, the sound of laughter and the feeling of Love. Late nights that became early mornings, friends made and lost, figuring out what I was worth.

It was popular when we grand opened Circuit City and never fails to make me think of certain people from yester-year.  As difficult as it was to be the family pariah that year for dropping out of school, being broke most of the time, but making it by, the push from DJZ to go back to school and finish what I started and all that the relationship with him entailed.

That year helped fix the pain from the year before and brought about many good things for me, for my life.

It was a year of growing in major ways, of learning about myself and what I wanted from life, and about healing. 365 days of proving to myself that I could do it. I can accomplish anything I set my heart to and learning that sometimes it’s ok to take a break, start over and head down a totally different path.

I often think back to that year and wonder where I would be if I hadn’t had it. Would I be a rehab graduate? Still battling the depression? It’s best not to wonder where I’d be.

I’m good with where I am now. Thank you, Miss Jackson for reminding me.

#justwrite

Just Write – #5 Go Away Germs

Free writing. To just write whatever you’re thinking at any particular time. In 5th grade, I hated it, thought it was a total waste of time but now it’s some of my best writing. (I don’t always publish the “gut” posts as I call them.)

I found this writing prompt through Jennifer which lead me to Heather and I like it.

I’m not going to lie, I might not always have the comments turned on, but once a week, I’ll just write and then it’ll post on Tuesdays. Care to join us?

***

My head is pretty foggy right now, I’ve been sick with a bug since Saturday but I came to work today because I was bored with being home and to me that says I’m getting better. To keep from sneezing, coughing etc all the good long day, I’ve taken some Dayquil like stuff and it makes my head pleasantly spinney.

It’s a nice feeling occasionally.

But I don’t like being sick. Outside of the general feeling like crap and worrying that I’m making other people sick too, there’s the whole added bonus of not being able to do things I want to do. Things like keep my eyes open so I can crochet or read the book that I’d like to finish. Things like being able to stand up in the shower instead of sitting on the floor because just the idea of standing is exhausting, being able to write complete sentences or do my todo list from the weekend that didn’t get touched or working on my Couch to 5K! Also? eating healthy, good for me foods goes right to hell.

Too bad I’m not foggy enough to not care.

I work hard to stay on top of Life and then being sick throws a monkey wrench into the works and my nose hurts from blowing it. Damn germs.

GO AWAY GERMS!

#justwrite

Just Write – #4 Onions

Free writing. To just write whatever you’re thinking at any particular time. In 5th grade, I hated it, thought it was a total waste of time but now it’s some of my best writing. (I don’t always publish the “gut” posts as I call them.)

I found this writing prompt through Jennifer which lead me to Heather and I like it.

I’m not going to lie, I might not always have the comments turned on, but once a week, I’ll just write and then it’ll post on Tuesdays. Care to join us?

***

I like onions, I like them a lot and have for as long as I can remember. Cooked, raw, on sandwiches, in soup…it doesn’t matter how they’re made, yum.

I was making soup the other night and as I pulled the onions out of the drawer, my breath caught as it has for the last I don’t know how many years. Well, it’s been less than 7 years. That I know.

There was quite a time where I couldn’t stomach the smell, taste or even idea of onions in any way or form. They were responsible for losing someone so very special to me, someone who taught me so much about life and living it. Responsible for taking that person away from me.

I hated them.

OK, truth be told it wasn’t really the onions fault. It was a bacteria that lives in the soil around the skin of an onion, but it was the onion that introduced that bacteria to him with his immune system suppressed to save his lungs. What the hell? A bacteria that lives in the soil around the skin of an onion? How random. And yet, I was mad at that random microbe. But it’s hard to be mad at a bacteria.

Here’s the thing that occurred to me one cool day in November a few years ago, if he knew that I was so angry about something so little – even though it took him from me – he’d be mad that I was punishing myself by staying away from something I loved. What could I do? I did what he’d have wanted me to do…I forgave the onion for it and allowed myself to enjoy them again.

And every time I pull out an onion, I think of him and smile as I enjoy the onion again.

#justwrite

Just Write – #3 Censored

Free writing. To just write whatever you’re thinking at any particular time. In 5th grade, I hated it, thought it was a total waste of time but now it’s some of my best writing. (I don’t always publish the “gut” posts as I call them.)

I found this writing prompt through Jennifer which lead me to Heather and I like it.

I’m not going to lie, I might not always have the comments turned on, but once a week, I’ll just write and then it’ll post on Tuesdays. Care to join us?

***

My hands are tied.

I like to keep this here space an honest place, but I haven’t been being honest with you. There have been times I haven’t shared just what was going on in my life because I didn’t think the internet was the place to bring it because it would just escalate the situation.This time is different.

I’d love to talk about, oh wait, I can’t write about that. I want to share with you how I’m dealing with what can not be written about because I’m proud of myself for it, but there are too many prying eyes on the net and it will likely make a difficult situation even worse. To voice my thoughts on a particular person or persons involved in what can not be discussed will only make it more difficult for the ones I care about to make decisions and move forward.

I’d like to talk about the disappointment that I feel about some and the hurt that tear apart my heart but actions and writing have consequences, so I won’t.

So much to say, so much to say, but my lips are zipped.

#justwrite

Just Write – #2 The Universe Speaks

Free writing. To just write whatever you’re thinking at any particular time. In 5th grade, I hated it, thought it was a total waste of time but now it’s some of my best writing. (I don’t always publish the “gut” posts as I call them.)

I found this writing prompt through Jennifer which lead me to Heather and I like it.

I’m not going to lie, I might not always have the comments turned on, but once a week, I’ll just write and then it’ll post on Tuesdays. Care to join us?

***

I have to remember today to call my grandmother. Yesterday as I was driving back from Lake Placid (which in itself was a trip) I saw, painted on the back of a construction sign, “Hi Nancy!” (That’s her name.)

In that moment I felt like the Universe was speaking to me and that I MUST call her.

I know it might sound silly, but I believe that the Universe speaks to me. There have been times in my life when I was really doubting a decision I had made or was in the process of making…and then bam! The Universe showed me something that tipped my hand. One time it was an email, one time it was running into an old friend, one time it was a song on the radio. There has always been something to show me what to do.

Maybe it’s just my subconscious seeing something and pushing me in the right direction, I don’t know. I do know that when this happens, just the right thing at just the right time to tell me I’m on the right path, I pay attention.

#justwrite

Just Write – #1 Just writing.

Free writing. To just write whatever you’re thinking at any particular time. In 5th grade, I hated it, thought it was a total waste of time but now it’s some of my best writing. (I don’t always publish the “gut” posts as I call them.)

I found this writing prompt through Jennifer which lead me to Heather and I like it.

I’m not going to lie, I might not always have the comments turned on, but once a week, I’ll just write and then it’ll post on Tuesdays. Care to join us?

***

Momma thinks it’s funny that not only do I write often, but that I write fairly well. See when I was a much younger Ella, I didn’t see the point. I found writing exercises to be a giant waste of time because I was going to be a doctor! What the hell did I need to use adjectives for? Why should I use 12 words when 5 would work just fine?

Sush you, sush.

Fast forward to freshman year of college when I had to produce high-school papers to prove I hadn’t plagiarized someone else’s work because the prof didn’t believe that a freshman was capable of writing to that level. (Thanks Senior Year English Teacher who ripped it out of me!)

Through that class, writing long – ahem – love letters to my boyfriend 3 hrs away and more, I learned that not only did I have a knack for the written word, but that I enjoyed it.

It was years later, as I tried to sort through a hard time that I realized that if I put the words down on paper or blog post that they stopped swirling around in my head and start to make sense.

#justwrite