If the title didn’t clue you in, this isn’t a happy sunshiny post, but it’s me and what you can have right now. If you don’t want to read it, don’t. Maybe later this weekend I’ll have sunshine for you.
Today wasn’t a bad day I suppose. In fact parts were dare I say, “good”? The training I participated in went well and it was 5 hours away from my desk which was a nice break. I was really tired after work so I took a rest and then motivated myself to go look for something that supposedly was to be in our local Wal-Mart. After going to 3 of them, I decided that they marked it wrong on the website (because the one marked not in stores was certainly there!) and began searching for other ideas. I was frustrated, but ok.
(Although Wendy’s! When I say I want something with no tomato and you put it on anyway it makes me angry!)
So it wasn’t a bad day, but underneath it all, I was sort of gloomy. Sure I had some laughs and found this post to be awesome but I’m not going to lie, I’m PMSing and miss my boyfriend like whoa.
The kicker is that I know the second is made worse by the first. I also know there’s not a whole lot that can be done about missing him right now, but I do.
I feel needy, but feel guilty for feeling needy. I feel sad, but feel guilty for feeling sad. I tell him how I feel because historically, it’s just been easier to keep it in and ignore it than to feel it and deal with it, but I don’t want to be that person, I want to be able to put it in words. Then, again, I also don’t want him to feel bad because of something that’s not really his fault.
So I try not to be needy, sad, or share too much/too often, but I’m not always successful.
I try hard not to over do it when it’s overwhelming. Tonight was overwhelming…and trying just didn’t work. My heart squeezed tight and ached, the tears prickled at my eyes threatening to spill over, but I fought them. I told him I missed him. It helped a little, but then it didn’t. Maybe I shouldn’t bother fighting to stop it and telling him? I don’t know.
I know I was being needy – which is not like me and I hate it with the burning inferno of a thousand suns, but I got there. I guess the frustration and the gloomy caught up with me. I have to try harder.
He feels bad because I feel bad, which in turn makes me feel worse than I do…you get how that goes. Ugh, it makes my tummy hurt thinking about it and me want to cry.
I guess you could say that even after 6 months I’m still sort of new to this serious relationship thing. I try like hell, but I know I’m not always good at it. I try every day to make sure he knows and feels how important he is to me but I have doubts about if I’m doing it right. Am I supposed to try to find a way to tell him I miss him or not? I don’t know.
Wow, that’s all depressing. I apologize for taking your time with my depressing crap. I’m sorry. Seriously go to this post. It’ll make up for my bullshit. Tomorrow is a new day with new opportunities so I’m going to look forward and try like hell again. I hope I don’t fail again tomorrow.