I wrote this sort of late last night when I couldn’t sleep…I got a little sleep, a lot of coffee and feel a little better now. For those of you who know me and know that I’m really not afraid of much of anything, it will likely come as a surprise that I’m afraid of something very simple and often. Sleep.
It’s the late hours when most of the people I know are asleep and when I can’t that I have a secret….
I’m terrified of sleep. It might not be the sleep itself, but more of what the sleep brings – dreams, vivid, terrifying dreams
Too terrified about what they are to write them down to share. Why? If I write it down, it’ll come true and be my fault.
If I say it out loud, I’m just told it won’t happen and, “Shush”.
[This line removed for having too much detail; see above.]
The thoughts swirl in my head, the tears roll from my eyes. Images flash in my head, played out behind my eyelids…Unable to sleep because the dreams there will be worse than the waking thoughts where at least I can distract myself.
But not sleeping makes it worse because I just get overtired and then I’ll get sick which means forced sleep through meds, making the dreams more vivid and awful.
So I cram the waking hours full of movement from one task to another, setting and working towards goals, distracting myself how ever I can until I’m so bone tired that I just drop off into what I wouldn’t even call sleep, just unconsciousness.
How do I get to that bone tired place where I can’t focus my eyes anymore and my joints start to ache? Distractions. Have I got them in spades: Crocheting, baking, cooking, crafting, playing, laughing with kids, teaching, researching, doing my nails, reading blogs or books, being constantly on the move, watching my favorite shows and some that are just terrible but I can’t stop, writing letters, playing games, oh the list goes on…daytime is fine because I have someone to do these things with, but nighttime? It’s mostly alone, but that’s ok, I’m good at being alone.
As long as I’m distracted.
Sigh.
Someone please send sleep…or you know, a new distraction.
October 5, 2011 at 3:35 pm
Oh my gosh lady…that sounds awful. I hope that true rest comes soon…it sounds like it can’t come soon enough.
October 6, 2011 at 10:38 am
Not really a viable cure but Sleep Apnea takes care of this. For one, you don’t dream because you cannot hit R.E.M. sleep. For another, you never really get a good night’s sleep, so you are always always able to sleep, whenever and wherever you want (and a lot of places and times you DON’T want, like in one-on-one meetings with your boss.)
`Course, I don’t know how you’d get sleep apena without gaining like 250 lbs.
October 6, 2011 at 12:15 pm
I’m so sorry. I (sort of) understand. When I’m stressed, I have terrible dreams. Not scary, but upsetting. It happens a lot this time of year, because work is stressful from now until the end of January. The stress means upsetting dreams that just generally don’t let me get a good night’s sleep.
Which in turn means I have the “falling asleep in meetings” syndrome that GenWar described. Not good.
I know you might not like the suggestion – but the thing to do really is to talk (or write) about them. It’ll help get them out of your mind, which is where they’re causing the most trouble. Maybe some drafts are in order? Or anonymous blogs somewhere?
You can always call/text/tweet me. My policy is 24/7 for my dearest friends.
October 6, 2011 at 1:16 pm
Oh sweety. *HUGS*
October 6, 2011 at 5:30 pm
WAIT! Just thought of something.
Sleep somewhat can be caused by a hiatal (?) Hernia. Which you can get from being preggers, or through exercise. So maybe GenWar’s idea could still work.
So, there’s that.
Or you can still text me. I’ll shut up now.
October 6, 2011 at 5:32 pm
Somewhat = apnea – at least according to Rosie.