I wrote this sort of late last night when I couldn’t sleep…I got a little sleep, a lot of coffee and feel a little better now. For those of you who know me and know that I’m really not afraid of much of anything, it will likely come as a surprise that I’m afraid of something very simple and often. Sleep.
It’s the late hours when most of the people I know are asleep and when I can’t that I have a secret….
I’m terrified of sleep. It might not be the sleep itself, but more of what the sleep brings – dreams, vivid, terrifying dreams
Too terrified about what they are to write them down to share. Why? If I write it down, it’ll come true and be my fault.
If I say it out loud, I’m just told it won’t happen and, “Shush”.
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The thoughts swirl in my head, the tears roll from my eyes. Images flash in my head, played out behind my eyelids…Unable to sleep because the dreams there will be worse than the waking thoughts where at least I can distract myself.
But not sleeping makes it worse because I just get overtired and then I’ll get sick which means forced sleep through meds, making the dreams more vivid and awful.
So I cram the waking hours full of movement from one task to another, setting and working towards goals, distracting myself how ever I can until I’m so bone tired that I just drop off into what I wouldn’t even call sleep, just unconsciousness.
How do I get to that bone tired place where I can’t focus my eyes anymore and my joints start to ache? Distractions. Have I got them in spades: Crocheting, baking, cooking, crafting, playing, laughing with kids, teaching, researching, doing my nails, reading blogs or books, being constantly on the move, watching my favorite shows and some that are just terrible but I can’t stop, writing letters, playing games, oh the list goes on…daytime is fine because I have someone to do these things with, but nighttime? It’s mostly alone, but that’s ok, I’m good at being alone.
As long as I’m distracted.
Someone please send sleep…or you know, a new distraction.