I’m here

Well, not here, but here

That’s all she wrote folks. It’s been real.

This isn’t a goodbye…

Or maybe it is. I don’t know.

I don’t much feel like Cute~Ella anymore. I’m still me here, but I don’t know that Cute~Ella needs to be my voice. Maybe I feel like I need to be more anonomoyous, maybe I just don’t need to write anymore. I’ll still be working on my 101 in 1001 just not here, shoot me an email (cuteellaisbold(at)gmail(dot)com) to say hello, it still comes to my phone.

I’ll leave this space up and maybe come back here or maybe create a new space…it’s been fun, but for now, I’m done.

I love you guys.

Playing w/ my new toy

Typing is a pain but I can fingerpaint.

I picked the less stress route.

Sure it’s going to cost me some money, sure I can do it myself perfectly well, but I decided I just didn’t have the time to do it.

This morning I looked at the pile of mending that has been sitting there for a couple of months now and then over at the dry cleaning bag and thought about how the dry cleaner does mending and alterations…

What did I do next? I put the mending in the dry cleaning bag and took it to work for them to pick up and mend.

I feel guilty because it’s money I shouldn’t spend on something I can do myself perfectly well, but in the grand scheme of things, I don’t have the time to do it right now and want it done. I feel like I’m failing at this little bit of life because I’m choosing not to do it all on my own, but you know what? You don’t get bonus points for doing it all on your own. h

I have baking to do, an apartment to clean, crocheting, crafting and shopping to do, letters to write and holiday cards to sort through and send. I choose to do all of that over mending, but since that needs to be done too…I’m spending the money so someone else will do it for me.

So to make myself feel better about it and less guilty, what have you done lately (or in the past) that you could do perfectly well and chose to pay someone else to do it for you? Why?

Guest Post: What’s in a name?

For reasons of their own the author of this post wishes to remain anonymous and that’s just fine with me. Thank you friend for sharing!

I don’t know if this will make sense to anyone but me, but like Cute~Ella has said about writing down the words so the go away, I’m giving it a shot and maybe if others agree, I won’t feel so crazy about it.

I’m wary of people with certain names. I know, it sounds a little strange, but I am.

It seems to me that I meet the same people again and again. Or at least people with the same name. (You’re asking me, “Don’t we all? Some names are just common!”) It is more than that though, it seems that I meet people with the same name who treat me the same way.

(Without “naming names” I offer the following thoughts.)

Certain names seem to love me and we get along so well. Other names historically have treated me like shit and I’ve come to expect it from people of that name. Trusting someone with yet another name spelled without a popular extra letter seems to always bite me in the ass. People who go by the full version of a particular name treat me much better than those who go by the shortened version. I work well with people of another name and less well typically with another.

Just tonight my suspicions about one of those common names without the popular extra letter was confirmed again. Luckily, I had anticipated this was coming from the beginning so I didn’t trust them and it didn’t burn this time wasn’t as bad this time as it has in the past. I guess I’ve learned some lessons over the years.

It does make me wonder though, what is in a name? Does our name dictate our personality or am I just imagining things? My working theory is that our name helps define who we are and some of the traits we possess and that some names just aren’t meant to be friends. I’ll likely keep believing my theory until I’m shown otherwise and I have yet to be shown otherwise.

Thank you for listening and thank you Cute~Ella for letting me borrow your space.

You’re welcome! Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I love having guest posters!

Here’s the funny thing, I’ve had similar thoughts so I don’t think you’re crazy. Mikes and Michaels are different, Megans and Meghans, Susans, Caitlins, Johns, Chriss and a few others all have very similar patterns of friendship in my experience. I won’t tell you who has what, but suffice it to say, I personally have seen patterns. (Hell, there’s got to be something to it, I’ve been involved with 4 Chriss and it’s all sort of worked out the same way!)

I don’t know if our names strictly define us or our personality, but sometimes I have to wonder…

life ‘ku

snow does make me smile
the sparkle, fresh white, pleases
until it’s dirty

***

the crappy moments
happen in life, how react?
is what defines you

***

i’m a lucky girl
frank’s been taking care of me
and he still likes me

***

this weekend is not
shaping up how I would like
but i’ll  roll with it

***

what is your life ‘ku?
go ahead, leave one for me
oh and caption this

Guest Post: Friends with benefits

Today’s guest post is from Girl’s Got Shine. She’s a tweeterthat I found and she’s so much fun. Great insight into relationships, the difference between men and women, and most importantly getting your shine back? She has chronicled her journey from suddenly finding herself single and the emotional fall out from that to where she is today… Bad dates? She’ll tell you about hers. Sad moments? Yep, she shares those too. Go check her out.You’ll probably learn something about her, yourself and even have a chuckle. 

It’s an issue that’s been debated who-knows-how-many times? Can two people have sex – and still remain detached emotionally (aka “just friends”)?

My first “someone” after my divorce was a guy I met online (shocking). We dated for about a month – and then, just when I thought things were going well, he said he felt we were developing “more of a friendship” than anything else (also shocking). But – he posed a question to me that I, in my very limited dating experience, had never faced:

Would I like to be friends with benefits?

As he put it – we were attracted to each other, and the sex had been good (which was true). We were just friends – but this was a good way for everyone to get “satisfaction” while not being attached. He was right, it was a perfect arrangement – for him. [I'd later learn that he was interested in someone, and was waiting for her to be available, so an FWB was the perfect stop-gap.]

I agreed – for two reasons. The first was so that I could try something new (I am such a pioneer). That was an OK reason. The second was, honestly, because I wanted to keep this guy in my life. That is not an OK reason – a lesson I would learn the hard way several months later, when “she” became available, and I became heartbroken.

I broke the number one FWB rule – having a non-attached relationship with someone to whom I felt attached.

I figured I wasn’t wired for this type of relationship, and chalked it up to a lesson learned – until I found myself in a similar situation a few months later. This was different – FWBs, it seems, are actually friends. They hang out, do stuff together, chat/text with each other – and have sex. My new situation was more a “F*** Buddies” arrangement – two people who just had sex, nothing else.

That did not last long, mostly because he was a real jerk, but I did learn something. Casual sex can be good, and it is possible – as long as you truly don’t have any feelings for the other person.

Now, my former FWB’s relationship has ended, and he’s back in my life. It’s only been a couple of months, but we’ve been hanging out a lot, and got to talking, and one thing led to another… And he’s not really my “former” FWB anymore.

But this time – it’s very different. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve had more dating experience, or because I’ve changed a little. Or maybe it’s because I got over my romantic feelings for him, and truly see why we wouldn’t make a good couple. All I know is, after we crossed that line, I expected to feel…something. I was surprised to feel nothing.

Well – not nothing, exactly. But I didn’t feel any connection or emotion. I just felt – satisfied, and perfectly okay that he was going to leave, and I had no idea when I’d see him again, or how it would be. If we never have sex again? I’m okay with that. I’m more interested in preserving our friendship our sex-life.

Apparently, I’ve figured out these benefits.

Thanks, Girl’s Got Shine!

***

Remember that just about anyone can guest post for me! Have something to say but don’t have a blog or don’t want it on your blog? I’m happy to give up the platform for you on Thursdays!

If you’d like to write a guest post for me here are the rules:

• More or less? Anything goes unless it’s outright mean. If you can make the mean funny (unless it’s about me that is) it’s all good.
• You can write it anonymously or linked back to you – that’s totally up to you. If you have something to say that you don’t want on your blog for whatever reason, that’s cool I don’t have to tell who you are. Also, you don’t have to be a blogger! (BatGirl, Jennifaux and Taudrey are all examples of guest posters with no blog.)
• I reserve the right not to post it if it’s mean or I think it’ll cause more harm than good.
•  Email me at cuteellaisbold(at)gmail(dot)com for review. I don’t edit, but I do approve content.

Wordless Wednesday – He reads to me (w/ bonus contest)

Go ahead, caption it, you know you want to say something about it.

The one we like the best gets a dozen of this year’s holiday cookie and a dozen chocolate chip cookies by yours truly.

The person who sends the most people to caption it will get a free item from my Etsy shop. (Make sure they tell me in the comments that you sent them so you get credit.)

This one closes Sunday at bed time. East Coast time. Go for it.

Grace in Small Things: 2011-45

This is something I’ve been doing for a long time, but now I’m making it both easier and harder on myself. Easier because I only have to think of one thing a day, but harder because I have to choose the BEST part of the day…which on some days is easier than others. This should be posted on Sunday Evenings and you can see all of this year’s by clicking here.

***

Nov 7-13

Monday – the Baby’s First^®yarn for my niece’s hat. No, she’s not a baby, but it’s amazing.

Tuesday – understanding friends for when I have to cancel plans due to germs

Wednesday – sick time from work and Advil

Thursday – sick time and an accommodating doctors office

Friday – NCIS marathon while I laid on the futon

Saturday – live music of an old friend in my old stomping grounds

Sunday – B’day party for my nephew

Basically Frank took care of me all week. He’s pretty awesome like that and I’m a lucky girl.

What are your Small Things for the last week? Do you write about yours? If you do, leave the link in the comments below!

#graceinsmallthings

***

See others posts with my Grace in Small Things here and say hello to the lady who started it all here.

Just Write – #8 It’s hard

Free writing. To just write whatever you’re thinking at any particular time. In 5th grade, I hated it, thought it was a total waste of time but now it’s some of my best writing. (I don’t always publish the “gut” posts as I call them.)

I found this writing prompt through Jennifer which lead me to Heather and I like it.

I’m not going to lie, I might not always have the comments turned on, but once a week, I’ll just write and then it’ll post on Tuesdays. Care to join us?

***

At the end of the summer we had to find alternate living arrangements for my grandmother because she could no longer live on her own. Long hard story short and more gentle? She was very confused, wandering and sick. It was heart breaking, nerve-wracking and hard.

(And that was for me, I can only imagine what it was like for Daddy-O and his siblings.)

It had to be done though, it wasn’t safe for her to be living on her own anymore and my aunt and uncle manage to find a nice place with an open bed to accommodate her. The people are nice, the facility is beautiful and they have all sorts of activities for her do to if she so chooses.

It’s not where I want her to be. I want her to be home, going to bridge when she wants, gardening, shopping, and living the life she used to…but that can’t be any more and it’s hard.

My dad and his siblings have been going through her home because it is sort of in a weird spot right now, it’s complicated but that’s not the hard part. The hard part is sorting through so many decades of stuff and memories. Granted, we’ve found some gems for sure and more or less the family is allowed to take what we’d like to have. (I have fabric and her old jewelry that I’ll do something with for me and the cousins. There’s so much more to go through still and that part’s hard.)

What makes it harder is that she gets confused and things we’ve tricked her. I don’t know, maybe partially, we have? She needs to be where she is because it’s safe for her, but it’s hard to reconcile.

I also feel a lot of guilt for not spending enough time with her these last few years, not being a better granddaughter and that is something I will have to reconcile with personally. And that is hard.

It’s just all so hard.

#justwrite