And I felt free…

As I left work to head over to my munchkins at the pool, I walked out of my office building and felt an overwhelming sense of freedom – like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders…

I had my annual evaluation at work and I was very much stressed out about it the day before. I mentioned this to my direct supervisor and she assured me that the evaluation wasn’t anything bad at all and she possibly had some good news to offer me.

I don’t want to talk about it quite yet, but it was definitely a little bit of sunshine through the fog.

(Don’t get me wrong, life’s not bad – I see the good things going on…but I’ve been in a kind of brain fog and storm of emotions.)

The evaluation itself was pretty good. My strengths far outshine my weaknesses and I can continue to work on what needs to improve. While I don’t feel like I do enough sometimes, I think it’s a carry over from my feelings that I don’t do enough in life itself sometimes. They feel like while I could use some time/deadline management improvement, I do a lot and am doing well.

But we can only do what we can do…Anyway. I get to keep my job.

I had sent Daddy-O a text message to let him know it went well and got this in reply:

Super Duper!! Mom & I always know how great you are….You are always the last to realize it, Sweetie Ha Ha!!

And I realize that they think I’m super awesome and wonderful etc. but I can’t help to feel like I’m not good enough sometimes. The ‘Rents and The Bro are impressive people as are the rest of my family memebers…(Not to worry, I’m not turning this into a woe is me, I suck at life post.)

Back to the feeling free part. Sorry.

As I walked out of the building, the sun shining in my face as I climbed in my car and drove off to the pool, I realized that I also felt free about  my friend no longer being my friend.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still angry and have started to hurt, but this could be a good thing for me. It’ll give me a chance to welcome someone new or even several new people into my life. It’ll be one less tie that I have to this area - one less set of memories I want to keep, one less set of obligations.

Out with the old, in with the new…much like my closet I suppose.

I’m not advocating getting rid of your old friends – gosh no. I love my dear friends, many of whom I’ve known for 20+ years…but maybe sometimes in some ways those veryclose relationships can hold you back in ways that don’t become apparent until later.

I’m focusing on the possibilities laying ahead and looking forward. The view is pretty good and the possibilities seem endless.

***

Thank you again for all the kind words and support. Unless things change drastically, this will be my last post regarding the friend who no longer is.

The Holidays are Coming!

I LOVE getting mail. (That isn’t another bill.) Do you?

Last year, I made my own cards and had a lot of fun doing so. This was the mock-up of last year’s card. It was made from recycled newspaper, leftover paint I had from a project and cardstock. The inside said, “Wishing you Peace, Love and Happiness in the coming year!”

I’m going with different themes this year and looking forward to making them again. The design will be a surprise!

If you’d like to get on the Cute~Ella Get Mail list (and didn’t receive the emailed form) please click here.

As you can see, life carries on…

It happened

Sunday morning I woke up to an email from the friend. (Yes, an email.) As much as I expected it after Friday, it was still a kick in the gut.

I never expected it from him. Guess that goes to show you should never say, “Never”.

The people who know us both are shocked that after all this time, our connection, friendship and his reaction to other people doing the same thing to me that he turned around and did it.

I understand intellectually why he’s doing this. He’s in Love, thinks she’s The One. He wants to be happy and he’s doing what he needs to do to be happy.

My heart doesn’t understand though. I think it’s a dick move and going to bite him in the ass down the road, but it is his decision to make.

I’m ok though. I really am for right now.  I’m still more angry than hurt, when the anger subsides, I know that it’ll hurt. (I also know that this anger isn’t going to go away anytime soon.)

But when it happens, I know that I’ve dealt with worse pain and carried on. Just keep moving and looking forward.

I’m trying to find the positives and have a couple…life’s all about perspective after all. And you know what? As trite as it sounds, today is a new day and the start to a new week with new opportunities…

Tomorrow is sushi lunch with the girls from work and maybe a new camera. Friday, I’m off from work and then going to a hockey game in NH with friends. Saturday is a b’day party at a fun bar and Sunday is b’day dinner for a dear friend. At some point during the weekend I’ll take photos of friends for their holiday photo card. The first weekend in December I’m trekking off to Long Island to visit BatGirl. We’re having a pizza party with wine! and then going to NYC on Sunday for a “Street Corner Day”

See? I have things to look forward to and I’ll be adding more!

The kicker is that when something awesome happens (and it will) he was one of the people who I would share it with typically. When I can’t share my latest success, flop, or downright funny thing that happened? That’s when it’s going to set in that we’re done and it’s over.

***

I’d like to thank everyone who has had such kind things to say through this. As much as I have lost because of this, ultimately, it is his loss. Thank you for your support, encouragement, laughs and smiles. XOXO

Grace in Small Things (#29)

See the background for Grace in Small Things (#1) here.

***

Sunday - Sleep, sleep sleep after being sick all weekend. Advil is my friend; Sirfuctsalot came over to visit for a bit. (It was a good one – thankfully, because unknown at the time, but it would end up being our last.)

Monday - Laughs, cold meds, cold meds, sushi for lunch.

Tuesday - swimming lessons, a quiet night and knowing that there was a random day off in the middle of the week; finding Criminal Minds on sale.

Wednesday - Jobs to apply for, encouragement, naps NO WORK!

Thursday - Quiet time at work, no real plans; cleaning out my desk at home and a new Bones about a midget!

Friday - Laughs with my little sister and a couple of episodes of Bones with her before bed.

Saturday - Swimming lessons went quickly, new sheets while shopping and a few other treats, watching Alton Brown with my gma and uncle; using dad’s laundry facilities.

What are your Small Things for the last week?

***

See others posts with my Grace in Small Things here and say hello to the lady who started it all here.

One of my greatest fears might come true

And I’m sick about it.

I have a dear friend who in the past has been more than a friend, less than a boyfriend over the years. (It has been manyish years.) We care for each other deeply but are now just friends. (And yes, men and women can be just friends.)

Sometimes, its just how it works out and is better that way.

His girlfriend found out that he lied back in the day when she asked  if he and I were more than friends (Why would you even want to know?) He knew how mad she’d get based on previous reactions to similar situations so he told her we were just friends. (I guess she gets jealous and nutso about it…He has shared stories of her reaction to interacting with other old flames, ex girlfriends whateveryouwanttocallthem.)

Now, I don’t condone the lying, but totally understand why he did. He had a choice to make: hurt someone who he loves or lose something he cared about – sometimes choices in life really suck. Was he to potentially lose the person he was thinking he’d like to spend the rest of his life with because we had been more than friends? Or did being friends with me matter that much?

(I also knew that he did and was prepared to pretend our history never happened. He lied to her and I agreed it didn’t happen because he wanted to protect what we have. So did I.)

I’ve made the same choice before with certain people from my past.

Our friendship means that much to us. At least I think it does. Or thought it did. Maybe I was wrong. It means that much to me at least.

I’m scared and mad. And mad that I’m scared.

I’m scared that because he loves her, when she demands that we not be friends or he have contact with me, he will end our friendship.

I’m mad that again, one of my friends’ girlfriends is potentially going to take something away from me that means so much to me.

And I’m mad because I don’t like being scared.

I know that this is going to work out how it’s going to work out, but I really don’t want to lose him. If I do lose him, I’ll be heart broken, have to go out drinking with the my friends and be angry.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ll be fine. I always am…but I’m anticipating that this is going to really hurt a lot.

Fuck. I need a tissue. And to throw up.

Happy Birthday LN

I’ll never forget the first year that MAR said to me, “C’mon, we’re going out for LN’s bday.”

I asked if you were even old enough to drink. (It didn’t matter, none of us were.)

It was a damn fun night from what I recall, but I don’t know that I interacted all that much with LN. It was over the next few months that we became closer at work and this happened.

His birthday was always a special time. He insisted it be so and that was just fine with the rest of us…it was just another reason to party, get a little out of hand (or maybe a lot) and live life…

I hope wherever you are today and for the rest of the weekend, the beer is flowing, the ladies are flocking, and you’re having a blast.

I love you LN, but you know that.

Productive? Meh. Sort of.

I managed to get sick again. Ha. Go figure. I think it was because I had a fun day of “Street Corner Shopping” planned with BatGirl.

Regardless, I’ve spent a lot of time on my futon watching Bones (Season 1, 2 & 4) and Criminal Minds (Season 1) (Oh and The Uninvited – don’t bother…it should have gone right to Lifetime…well, ok –  it did have a neat twist at the end so maybe it can be on Oxygen Network.)

I’m not capable of just sitting there so I’ve been making scarves and thinking about this year’s holiday cards.

Me wearing the black with redpinkandwhite.

Here are a few of the finished products.
There have been 3 more done since I took this picture.

Oh and the view outside my window at work a few days ago.

Yes the colors looked just like that.

***

Missing you guys, but getting stuff done and trying to recuperate.  I have gotten a crap ton of jobs applied for, projects worked on and other random stuff done though. Hopefully I hear back from some of jobs!

Too Much Going On

Sometimes, something has to give. Right now, it has to be this blog. I have some projects I need to work on, laundry that needs to be done (still) miles that need to get started at the gym, a bug that needs to be recovered from and jobs that need to have applications sent in.

I swear I don’t know how some of you do it. I think I just need a better routine.

If anyone feels like doing a guest post, email me at cuteellaisbold(at)gmail(dot)com and we’ll get it set up.

I may be posting from my phone (like I am now) so please forgive any spelling errors and when I have a few min to breathe I’ll check in on you. I’ll miss you and try to be back soon.

Hugs and Kisses,
Cute~Ella

Cute~Ella is Bold, Sassy, & On the Go!

‘ku on yesterday’s chaos

yesterday, ft. hood
was in terrible chaos
man with a gun – killed

the news spread like fire
as incomplete as it was
and panic set in

the bro sent a text
that he was ok and safe
he knew we’d be scared

i called my parents
to let them know he was fine
watched more news pour in

the uncertainty
of what was going on scares
more than anything

but the media
pushes more out so they can
sensationalize

while i do realize
it’s their job to sell ad time
c’mon really now

do we need to watch
it happen in real time
and scare ourselves too?

something you should know
not first time something like this
happened at ft. hood.

didn’t know that? ’cause
last time we didn’t see it
be pushed to the front

my heart goes out to
all that have been affected
thoughts and prayers do too

 would like to know more
but i’d prefer answers to
guesses and maybes

please let these people
deal with the chaos, mess, hurt
and anger in peace

Space Raspberries?

I really have nothing for you today. Not a damn thing worth writing about that’s not going to get me in a shit ton of trouble with someone.

So I’ll just refrain from that if that’s ok with you guys.

Instead, I’ll share a fact with you that I thought was pretty awesome.

Did you know that the Milky Way might just taste like raspberry and smell like rum?

Tis true. Ethyl formate, the chemical that gives raspberries their flavor is present in the Milky Way.

So what random fact can you share with me today?